I am utterly undone.
Baby Greg, my little Baby Greg, went to be with Jesus this evening. As I sat there on the bed next to him, in the time it took me to put a new monitor on his little toe, he seized the small moment that I was in the dark and slipped away. No fighting. No flailing. No fuss. He just. Stopped.
A thousand moments run on an endless loop in my head. Marion, brought into the empty ward where I waited for her, seeing my tear-stained face and falling to the floor, my arm the cushion for her head as we laid together and sobbed. His little mouth and nose and fingers, still and peaceful. Finally. Walking with him in my arms, a red-blanketed bundle, down the gangway and into the waiting car. Driving through the Liberian night, using my body to shield his from the jarring roads, errant lights from passing cars illuminating the curly wisps of his hair. Sitting by the light of a single candle, the flame still in the airless room, as all around me people cried quietly. Greg in his Grampa's arms, stripe-socked feet sticking out of the bottom of the blanket, as Grampa rocked him back and forth back and forth, crooning soft words in Kpelle.
Some of the children got to go back.
God, why?
Why are we left here with hearts poured out like water on the world?
Because, my dear, you couldn't be there to help carry the cross, or give Him a drink or heal His wounds. So I believe that some little ones are born to suffer and even die so that we can truly be God's eyes, ears and hands.
I'm so sorry for your grief, Ali. But I truly believe that caring for the dying is the most blessed act you can do in this life and doing it with grace, compassion and love, as you do, is a gift. If you have the courage to accept that gift it will give back blessings tenfold. Keep pouring your heart out and it will never be empty.
Love you,
Susan
My name is Brittany and you have no idea who I am and I have no idea of who you are except that you have a beautiful heart full of love for God's precious children. As I sit here on my bed reading your blog...tears have multiple times fallen down my face. My heart so yearns to serve the people of Africa. I have been praying about joining along with everyone on Mercy Ships as a nurse and am waiting for God's guidance. Thank you for encouraging me through sharing your heart and thoughts.
Blessings to you!
Brittany
brittany.gomes@gmail.com
p.s. I sort of feel like a creepy stalker...but am not I promise!! somehow found your website originally via facebook!
Thank you for the wake up call. After reading your words, I feel as if a tiny part of my own spirit has been resurrected -- and I don't intend to squander that.