times

It's one in the morning. I'm sitting on the couch in Audrey's new house in Nashville. I leave for Jersey in the morning, and I shouldn't still be awake. I tried to close my eyes and drift away but sleep eluded me. I turned on my ipod and found it in the middle of a song I recently heard for the first time. I can honestly say that I don't think I've ever heard God speak to me as clearly as I do when I hear these words sung:

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Are You done forgiving?
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become.
(What have I become?)

I hear You say,
"My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
The times you doubt me,
When you can't feel.
The times that you question: is this for real?
The times that you're broken, the times that you mend.
The times you hate me and the times that you bend.

My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks;
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace.
The times you're hurting,
The times that you heal,
The times you go hungry and attempted to steal.

In times of confusion and chaos and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame;
I'm there through your heartache,
I'm there through the storm.
My love, I will keep you by my power alone-
I don't care where you've fallen
Or where you have been.
I'll never forsake you.
My love never ends.
It never ends."

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I laid here, curled up in the dark, as these words drove deep into my heart. I tasted salt in the corner of my mouth, and I realized all over again how unworthy I am of God's heart. I have been untrue and unfaithful and unfit. I have run from him every time I've been given the chance. And He has pursued me to the ends of my soul and back. He has wooed me with sweet promises and sure love. Despite the fact that He does not need me, He has made it his work enter into relationship with me.

I am so in love.