shaken

Today started out like any other. I got report, checked on my kids, helped put in an IV. Since all the beds on the ward are right next to each other, it made sense for me to help our charge nurse, Red, when she went to draw labs from a patient next to one of mine. We got the blood and I went to fill the lab tubes. It's something I've done hundreds of times before.

I could blame it on second-day jitters. I could say the boat rocked, or that another patient jostled the bed I was sitting on. Unfortunately, the truth is that I watched as the world slowed and, completely unprovoked, I stuck the bloody needle directly into my finger. I've never done that before. To have it happen for the first time on a boat in Liberia while drawing blood to test for HIV was possibly the worst case scenario.

Sitting in the crew physician's office, I felt like a small child. One look from the nurse, and I burst into tears, regaining composure only long enough to lose it again when Dr. Wolfgang asked me if I was scared. Was he crazy? Of course I was scared. I was facing the possibility (however minute it may have been) that I had just contracted an incurable disease. I was shattered.

"I think the first thing we should do is pray," the doctor said. Now, I can be a bit of a skeptic when it comes to the emotional manifestations of faith (ask me sometime about the moonwalking pastor from church last weekend), so I was a little surprised at what happened. As Dr. Wolfgang prayed, I felt God's very real presence. Peace surrounded me as the Healer spoke comfort to my ragged little soul. There's no other way to describe it. I stopped that awkward hiccuping that comes after a hard cry (you know what I'm talking about), and the paralyzing weight was lifted from my chest. I went back to the ward, laughed at my naked two-and-a-half year old patient, and wasn't the least bit shocked when the man's test results came back negative.

I've said it before- I'm a forgetful child. All too often it's far too easy for me to forget how truly dependent I am. I start to rely on my own skill and knowledge; God fades into the background when I'm sure I can handle things. Today rocked that confidence to its core. But as I came to the end of myself, it was pure joy to find that God had only just begun.