community

The past twenty-four hours have been so hard. I've lived the last ten minutes of Greg's life over and over in my head, staring at the ceiling all night long as I fought back the panic that threatened to overwhelm me when I turned out my light. But there's something utterly strange about this community I live in. I seem to be among people who have forgotten that our world is broken beyond recognition. Or, at the very least, if they do realize, they've chosen to live as though it were whole.

You see, grace has been poured into my spirit from every source imaginable. In the moments after Greg flew last night, there were a hundred things a nurse needed to do; I've done them all so many times before. But I was given the gift of being able to stay with Marion as long as she needed me while so many loving hands swaddled Greg and wrote out the death certificate and cleaned up his stuff and got Marion's bags packed for her. Hugs and sad looks and pats on the back and genuine, sincere questions about the state of my heart have bombarded me from every side. We have cried and laughed and prayed together, and I can't help getting excited for heaven. If this is 'a foretaste of glory divine,' Christ can't come back fast enough.


In the midst of it all, there's another, wild note in my soul; spilling out past the raw hurt is a kind of pure, fierce joy. I realized at some point as I sat there and sobbed for Marion's broken heart and my own that the pain I'm feeling is a privilege. I grew up in a country where I was safe, secure, loved. I've never known war (not really), and I've never watched my life fall to pieces in front of me. I have no idea what it truly means to hurt. Marion does. Every member of her family does. Grampa said it last night, his words halting and small. We have all lost someone. Every time, there is someone who can die.

I count it a joy that my heart feels like it's been shattered. It means that it's still soft, and it means that my life has been blessed. I must live the rest of my days in the light of that blessing.

I sometimes catch myself bitterly regretting the fact that I grew up in North America; the sad reality of American life is that we have completely forgotten what community looks like.

When I first started work here, I was amazed by the little 'families' that seemed to grow on the wards. As the beds filled up, patients started to band together, joined by the bonds of age or dialect or physical deformity. It was a joy to watch former strangers talking and laughing like old friends, but I figured the party atmosphere would taper off as the patient dynamic changed. I was wrong.

Actually, it's becoming fairly standard procedure for me during a shift to stop what I'm doing, look around me, shake my head and smile. I can't help it. The wards are full of gangs. We've had the B Ward Boys' Club, made up of three long-term guys, all in for complicated wounds. By the end of their stays, it was a common sight to find Henry holding the gauze for Andrew while he had his dressing changed. We had The Eight-Year Olds, a little mob I'm tempted to put in all capitals, if only as a lame attempt to show just how explosive that group really was. They rolled together, encouraging each other during wound care and stealing crayons in less philanthropic moods. Recently, it's been The Girls. Young mothers and a token single woman, they plait one another's hair, pass children back and forth and have real, honest-to-goodness sleepovers, mattresses and beds pushed close together, stifling giggles long into the night.

I've never gone through a shift without watching one of the patients look out for another one in some way. They translate for each other. They comfort each other's crying children. They pray for each other. They share food and stories and lives, and I've never once heard a complaint. Because this is what community means. It means living in a hospital bed in a windowless ward along with fifteen-odd strangers and not batting an eyelash when one of them throws up on your foot. It means sitting in a circle and cutting string to make friendship bracelets all afternoon long, laughing and joking with the white girl who thinks she can speak Liberian English. It means taking a child away from a tired mother and feeding him from your own plate.

I forget sometimes that our patients didn't know each other before they came to the ship. They ease so gracefully into this strange community here that I assume they have spent their whole lives living just houses away in the same villages. I sit and marvel at their effortless hospitality and the candor with which they share their burdens, and I'm humbled. I would do well to learn from their love.

Living in constant community with some four hundred people has its advantages. I end up doing things like throwing nearly-silent parties at midnight, whispering the words to the birthday song so as not to wake up the girls one paper-thin wall away in the next cabin. Or sitting together with friends at breakfast talking about anything from lab reports to harebrained schemes for cross-country travel. Or feeling unwell, heading to bed and having someone stop me in the hall and pray for me right then and there.

But community living can get tiring at times. It's nice to know that walking out of my cabin and into the midships lounge means that I'm going to find someone to hang out with at pretty much any hour of the day. But the reverse is also true; walking out of my cabin and into the midships lounge means that I'm not going to be alone. We live on this ship, five hundred feet of four, six, ten-berth cabins, and we are never alone. The only escape is to get off the ship, which plunges me into the whirling cacophony of Monrovia. It can hardly be considered alone time when every eye is fixed on me as I walk down the street with my equally-white companions to calls of White girl! You fine! Marry me! You guys are princesses! Give me your number! (Exclamation points being absolutely essential to this particular style of communication.) And we can never be alone; it's just not safe. So Mercy Shippers go out in droves. Landrovers packed to bursting with eager, pale people who just want to get away from the wireless internet and air conditioning, if only for a few hours.

This is all starting to get to me, especially since The Exodus has begun. No, we're not clawing our way out of Egypt, but it seems like everyone on the ship is packing up and boarding planes for home. Between the end of April and the middle of June, almost everyone who I was friends with when I first got here will have gone back to their lives in the real world (if such a thing even exists anymore). Goodbyes consist of long group hugs on the dock and huge packs of people going out to eat food; there is no such thing as solitude.

To that end, Liz and I went on a date yesterday. Just the two of us. In a taxi. Nary a Landrover in sight. We stopped at the end of Broad Street and made our way up the hill through the cool green shade of mango trees to the Ducor Hotel. We climbed the seven or so flights of stairs and then the ladder all the way to the roof. We sat on the edge, feet dangling over stories and stories of air, shared our hearts and felt like we owned the world. We played with monkeys and ate dinner on a balcony overlooking the ocean. It was refreshing in so many ways. Liz has become a close friend in less time than I had thought possible. Perhaps it's a function of living in such close quarters and seeing each other all the time, or maybe it's just true that we actually are sisters separated at birth, but it's going to be incredibly difficult to say goodbye to her on Sunday. She's the kind of person who will drop everything for a two-man dance party at any given moment, whether we're on the ward at two in the morning or on the remnants of a dance floor on top of a ruined hotel with no music anywhere in earshot. She's the one I can go to on a bad day and know that I'll get sympathy and a cup of tea. And she's become the one to encourage me in my walk, reminding me often that God has big plans for the both of us, but that His timing isn't necessarily what we might think and that it's okay for next year to be a wide-open question mark.

Meg (my PICU buddy from Philly) says that Mercy Ships should maybe advertise about The Third H. We talk all the time, eyes shining, about hope and healing; it's what we do here. But no one mentions the heartache. Whether it's a patient's story of years of sadness and pain or the constant leaving of new friends, this place is hard on the heart. Some say the only way to combat it is to find your group of long-term friends and huddle over by the windows in the dining room, staunchly refusing to meet new people because it just hurts. too. much. to say goodbye again when they inevitably leave. There's much to be said for that method. For crying out loud, at home I'm still friends with the same people I've known since grade one. Creature of habit extraordinaire.

But if I do that, if I refuse to check the new arrivals list and I sit behind the glass at lunch, I'll miss out on all-night talks on the beach and extra plates of popcorn and so much dancing. And that's just not an option. Because I like popcorn.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. (C. S. Lewis)

I was looking forward to posting the rest of Shidou's story for you. I couldn't wait to tell you all about how I went with him and they took off his bandages and we saw each other for the first time.

Instead, like so much else here, the story of Shidou is touched with sadness. I overslept yesterday and when I made it down to the ward, it was to find out that he had already been discharged. I ran out to the eye tent, hoping against hope that he would still be on the dock. Of course, this is Liberia, and nothing moves quickly; he was still very much there. Instead of the blue and white bug-like eye shields he had been sporting the night before, he now wore the coolest pair of silver sunglasses I've seen for a while. His mom recognized me right away as I slipped into the seat next to him. The exchange went something like this:

Shidou! How you feeling?
Fine. (As behind the glasses his eyes rolled, unfocused.)
You see me?
(His mom) Shidou, you see your best friend?

Nothing. Just a little body curled up against my side, fingers laced tight through mine.


Because sometimes the optic nerve doesn't form when the cataracts start so early. Sometimes it takes a while for the child to get accustomed to seeing when he's spent so long in darkness. And sometimes the surgery simply doesn't work.

So I don't know what the outcome will be for Shidou. Just like I don't know what the outcome will be for Liberia.

But I do know that this country has a heart deeper than I anticipated. Like the woman who paid for an almost hour-long taxi ride for a friend and I yesterday, refusing our offer of money as she thanked us for helping her rebuild her country.

Or Victoria, the mother of one of our smallest patients. 'Kumassah's Mom' (as she is more commonly known) rarely stops smiling, and she never hesitates to lend a hand around the ward. She translates for me, laughing with her head thrown back at my floundering attempts at Kpelle, as I try to explain things to my 84-year old friend. (No such thing as HIPAA in Liberia.) We call on her all the time, and she has not once uttered a grudging word.



Liberia stands on shoulders like these.

And she smiles through the faces of little boys like Abraham.

Late afternoon is my favourite time of day here. The world opens up when the heat from the day starts to dissipate. Tonight I packed my dinner and headed outside to eat on the dock. I sat there, my feet hanging off the end, idly watching a crane unload a container ship across the harbour. A slight movement at the top of its mast caught my eye, and I saw the red, white and blue of the flag flying there. For possibly the first time in my life, I felt the needle of homesickness (not so much sharp as it was a dull ache, low in my throat).

There is no America here on the Africa Mercy. There is no Canada and no Germany and no Nigeria. We are an amalgam of humanity wrenched from homes and families around the world by God's unnerving call. We must find a way to live and work together in the face of thirty cultures and almost as many languages. We misunderstand each other on a daily basis, and the real work has yet to begin. Gulfs to span as wide as the ocean in front of me.

When I looked back at the flag, I realized that there was only one star against the blue. Liberia, not America. My old home and this new one, blurred together by sudden tears.


So I did what any self-respecting ex-pat would have done. I finished watching the sunset and then went for a run. My sister would be proud.